Because it is the 4th of July, there are no readings today. All the authors, if you believe Fox News, are probably crouching in their spider-holes trying to figure out exactly how to finally overthrow America this year. Their plans probably involve disseminating anti-freedom information at those packed book readings us hippies are always going to.

Enjoy your Constitution while it lasts, folks!

Full readings calendar, including the next week or so, here, on our very un-American books page.

God Bless America: Jesse Helms is finally dead. The fucker was 86.

Center Lines: Obama says he may “refine” position on Iraq, but still committed to withdrawal.

Central Intelligence: Government workers snooping on celebrity passport files.

Mercury Sizing: Planet’s diameter has retracted 1.5 miles due to cooling core.

Two Dead: Helicopter hits power lines and “instantly created a blinding flash.”

The Sanctity of Marriage: GOP Governor of Florida, Charlie Crist, proposes to girlfriend of nine months.

Hostage Takeover: After six years in captivity in Colombia, Ingrid Betancourt returns to France for hero’s welcome.

Poland: Rejects US proposal to host 10 missile interceptors.

Like a Short, Long Pit Bull: Mini dachshund gnaws off sleeping owner’s toe.

Short Order: Judge sends wordy lawsuit—465 pages—back for a succinct rewrite.

When the Levy Breaks: Pike Place Market levy will likely lack controversial provision to re-landscape Victor Steinbrueck Park.

Red, White, Black and Blue: Denver mayor sore over performer singing “the black national anthem.”

That’s NPR-speak for, “He was a racist piece of shit.”

Jesse Helms was also a homophobic piece of shit who did everything he could to torment people with AIDS during the darkest hours of the AIDS epidemic—and now he’s dead.

I realize that the death of a prominent piece of shit puts people on the radio and teevee in an awkward position. We’re not supposed to speak ill of the dead… and any honest accounting of this piece of shit’s career requires us to speak very ill of the dead indeed. So perhaps simply noting the piece of shit’s passing—briefly, and just the facts—would be the prudent thing to do. It would certainly be better than inviting a few people on the radio to discuss the piece of shit’s life and accomplishments at the precise moment when decorum requires us to put the nicest possible gloss on the piece of shit. To polish the turd, as it were.

Waking up to a discussion of the highlights of Helm’s career and listening to the oh-so-polite NPR host and his oh-so-polite guests dance around the issue of race—never mind the gay or AIDS issues, which weren’t even mentioned (well, not in the section I caught; I literally woke up to this)—until the host delicately observed in admiring tones, “He used race very effectively,” and the guest chuckled and agreed, well, let’s just say that’s was a very unpleasant way to start the day.

Here’s Helms calling for cuts in AIDS funding in 1995…

Sen. Jesse Helms says the government should spend less money on people with AIDS because they got sick as a result of “deliberate, disgusting, revolting conduct,” The New York Times reported Wednesday.

Helms, who has often spoken of his disgust for homosexuals, spoke to the Times as the Senate considers whether to renew a federal program for the care and treatment of AIDS patients.

“We’ve got to have some common sense about a disease transmitted by people deliberately engaging in unnatural acts,” Helms told the Times.

Here’s Jesse Helms’ infamous “hands” ad:

Jesse Helms was a bigoted piece of shit that left a mark—a skid mark, broad and deep—on U.S. Senate. And now the piece of shit is dead. And if you can’t say something accurate, NPR, it would be better to say nothing at all.

UPDATE: Over at Americablog, Joe and John are equally annoyed by a similar don’t-speak-ill-of-the-dead report filed by the AP. They’ve tossed up these gems, among others, to correct the record…

As an aide to the 1950 Senate campaign of North Carolina Republican candidate Willis Smith, Helms reportedly helped create attack ads against Smith’s opponent, including one which read: “White people, wake up before it is too late. Do you want Negroes working beside you, your wife and your daughters, in your mills and factories? Frank Graham favors mingling of the races.” Another ad featured photographs Helms himself had doctored to illustrate the allegation that Graham’s wife had danced with a black man. (The News and Observer, 8/26/01; The New Republic, 6/19/95; The Observer, 5/5/96; Hard Right: The Rise of Jesse Helms, by Ernest B. Furgurson, Norton, 1986)

The University of North Carolina was “the University of Negroes and Communists.” (Capital Times, 11/22/94) Black civil rights activists were “Communists and sex perverts.” (Copley News Service, 8/23/01)

Of civil rights protests Helms wrote, “The Negro cannot count forever on the kind of restraint that’s thus far left him free to clog the streets, disrupt traffic, and interfere with other men’s rights.” (WRAL-TV commentary, 1963) He also wrote, “Crime rates and irresponsibility among Negroes are a fact of life which must be faced.” (New York Times, 2/8/81)

I’ve been searching for a particularly infamous clip of Helms on Larry King. But I can’t find it. Here’s the transcript, though…

When he made an appearance on CNN’s Larry King Live in Sept. 1995, a caller praised him “for everything you’ve done to help keep down the niggers.”

Helms looked in the camera and replied, “Well thank you, I think.”

UPDATE 2: This one’s for Fnarf…

And Rain in the comments thread writes…

I went to the Daily Oklahoman website to see what they were saying about the Seattle basketball team moving to OKC, and this was on the front page. The animated ad trotted out from the right side and landed right on Jesse’s mug. All I did was take a screenshot and add the text in the gray box at the bottom.

The Daily Oklahoman website is here, and I just went and a dancing chicken trotted out to invite me to a celebration of Helms’ death too. Hilarious. The Daily Oklahoman invites you to “sign the guestbook.” Click through the link and you’ll find exactly two remembrances: “To a great man who kept to his conservative ideals. You will be missed,” and, “REST IN PEACE JESSE HELMS.” You can submit your own remembrance but there’s also this note at the bottom of the page: “Entries are free and are posted after being reviewed for appropriate content.” I just submitted “Jesse Helms was a hateful piece of shit.” We’ll see if it goes up. In the meantime, though, why not go submit your own remembrance?

Seriously.

Via Gawker.

After catching heat from the state for not being an officially licensed and sanctioned sport, the Seattle Semi-Pro Wrestling league held a protest show at King Cobra last night to let fans know about the uncertain future of SSP.

Before the show, Nathaniel Pinzon—who wrestles under the name Deevious Silvertongue—told me wrestlers would be playing a “vicious game of tic tac toe” and arm wrestling, but there wouldn’t be any bouts. “We’re probably just going to fall right on our faces,” Pinzon said.

As the lights in King Cobra finally went down around 10 p.m., the 100-120 people in the crowd were chanting, hooting and hurling plastic balls—passed out by SSP wrestlers before the show—around the room.

Then, SSP MC “Evil Kimmel” appeared on stage and told the audience that there wouldn’t be any wrestling. The crowd, of course, went batshit crazy.

After enduring several minutes of booing and abuse from the crowd, several SSP wrestlers engaged in a drinking contest.

Then, a man in a giant banana suit got up on stage and I left.

This morning, Pinzon called me to talk about the future of SSP.

While Pinzon hasn’t heard anything from the Department of Licensing about the future of the show, SSP was approached by several lawyers after last night’s show who offered to take on their case. However, right now the group isn’t sure whether they want to go to court. “It’s up in the air right now,” Pinzon says. “We still don’t even know if it’s cheaper to save up for a ring or just get a lawyer and…let them sort out this mess.”

If SSP continues, Pinzon says they will be cutting back on ongoing plot lines and focusing on fund raising to keep the 5-year-old league alive. According to Pinzon, SSP will have a karaoke fundraiser and are talking about putting on an SSP musical, but nothing is set in stone. “Our fan base really wants us to fight this,” Pinzon says. “I don’t know how realistic that is with the costs involved. It just depends on how much of that fan base wants to try and help out.”

Photo by Apeta via Flickr

For more on SSP, here’s Kelly O’s wonderful How Was It? video.

…but you can watch the video over and over again in this news report about a teenager who “makes a baby fly,” which has not been removed from YouTube site. Enjoy:

Maryland:

A priest accused of abusing an altar boy in 2001 has been charged with child abuse after turning himself in to police Tuesday.

The Rev. Aaron Joseph Cote, 56, who was an associate pastor in 2001 and 2002 at Mother Seton parish in Germantown, had been accused of sexual abuse by the former altar boy, Brandon Rains, who filed a lawsuit against him in 2005….

According to Montgomery County police, Cote had been counseling the boy while serving part time as youth minister at Mother Seton.

Oregon:

A 20-year-old woman who broke her neck while playing on a trampoline with a youth pastor is suing the pastor, claiming he should have known that his weight would have caused her to catapult into the air.

Pastor Matt Lambrecht is named along with the Archdiocese of Portland, the trampoline manufacturer, Legacy Emmanuel Hospital & Health Care Center and several other defendants in the $33.5 million suit filed in Multnomah County Circuit Court Tuesday….

Freitag suffers from quadriplegia and will need a wheelchair for the rest of her life, the suit states.

A text message from my friend Hester:

Just passed a nerdy dude wearing a shirt that said “I’m a Keeper.” Is that something other than a gross device for catching my period?

Thanks for the offer, guy!

Yuri and Dmitri Kuklachev are a father-son team of Russian clowns and proprietors of a cat circus called Moscow Cats Theater. They began training cats in 1977, were one of the first Soviet-era performers to tour the United States, and are famous in 80 countries. They’ve won awards, been commemorated on stamps, and are beloved by children, grandmas, and cat fanciers everywhere.

Last year, Yuri and Dmitri toured the United States and performed at the Seattle Rep.

Except they didn’t.

The Russian clowns who performed at the Rep last April were, apparently, impostors. (Copycats, if you will. And you will.) According to a lawsuit filed by the real Yuri and Dmitri Kuklachev, the impostors stole the real Russian clowns’ names, clothes, and hairstyles and toured the country as the Moscow Cats Theater.

The Russian clowns are pissed. They’ve filed a suit in New York against the impostors, the impostors’ U.S. promoter (Mark Gelfman), and every theater where the impostors performed, including the Seattle Rep.

“We don’t know anything about this,” the Rep’s communications director, Ilana Balint, said this afternoon. “We haven’t been served any papers.”

“Well, they’re gonna get served papers today or Monday,” said the Russian clowns’ lawyer, Gary Tsirelman. “We’re just beginning a lengthy process.”

The Russian clowns have filed the suit in Brooklyn and are suing for: “federal and common-law trademark infringement, false endorsement, unfair competition, false designation of origin, dilution of a famous trademark, and violations of anti-cybersquatting law, rights of publicity and privacy, fraud, conversion, prima facie tort and unjust enrichment.”

(Tsirelman was referred to the Russian clowns by a colleague. “They needed a vulture in court,” Tsirelman said, “someone very vicious who does not take no for an answer. They said, ‘find us the biggest a-hole out there.’ And that was me.”)

Some history: The Russian clowns have been doing their cat-circus act since 1977. Sometime in the 80s, an assistant stole the Russian clowns’ act, names, costumes, and hairstyle, and tried to tour the USSR. Soviet police eventually shut them down.

Fast forward to December 2006: The real Russian clowns finished a real tour of the U.S. and returned to Russia, expecting to come back for another U.S. tour in 2007.

From the complaint: “Within days of Yuri Kuklachev’s departure, his [U.S.] promoter, M. Gelfman… secretly filed a registration with the United States Patent and Trademark Office to register the famous Kuklachev’s ‘Moscow Cats Theater’ mark in his own name.” He also bought www.moscowcatstheatre.com

Then Gelfman (allegedly) trotted out the impostors, changed their names and dyed their hair, and sent them on the road.

The Russian clowns are currently seeking $10 million in damages, but that might grow—Tsirelman says he’s still getting calls from across the country (and the world) from people who saw the ersatz Kuklachevs. “I hear their show was pretty bad,” Tsirelman. “A lot of disappointed grandkids.”

So why are the Russian clowns suing individual theaters, like the Rep, when the theaters were duped like everybody else?

“Trademark law does not require defendants to have knowledge or intent to deceive,” Tsirelman said.

In short: Ignorance is no excuse.

Gelfman and his defense lawyers have not returned requests for comment.

Stay tuned.

In this week’s paper, I reviewed Hancock. It was pretty…blah.

…the trailers, with Will Smith as a drunken misanthrope flying into buildings and tossing whales around with impunity, suggested the kind of brainless summer fun that Smith used to supply with films like Men in Black. Unfortunately, as with I Am Legend and I, Robot, Smith has developed the unfortunate tendency to make all his popcorn flicks as heavy as a brain-dead Hamlet. Everything now has to have gravity and weight, and a simple redemptive superhero comedy simply wouldn’t do for the erstwhile Mr. July.

But then I read David Denby’s review of Hancock, and I had to wonder if we saw the same movie. He declares it the most enjoyable movie of the summer and drools over just about every aspect of the film. That’s fine. Critics disagree. But here’s the part where my jaw nearly hit my desk:

But Theron isn’t running away from her good looks anymore. Wearing a simple sleeveless red shift, her blond hair hanging around her shoulders, she’s a knockout in “Hancock,” and she gives the sexiest performance of her career. The currents flowing between her and Smith are reminiscent of the heat generated by Gable and Harlow, say, or Bogart and Bacall.

I had to rub my eyes and reread that part:

reminiscent of the heat generated by Gable and Harlow, say, or Bogart and Bacall

David Denby, are you on crack? I ask this not as someone who counts To Have and Have Not among my all-time favorite movies. I ask this as someone who’s seen Hancock and doesn’t understand how you could find that much gold in all this mediocre pudding. Are we going to have to fight, David Denby? I will totally fight you, and because justice is on my side, I will win.

If you want to figure out which side you’re on in this fight, film times are here.

Okay, I know that lots of authors are appearing in book trailers. But, really: if you can’t bring at least a QVC-type level of professionalism to the video, maybe you shouldn’t appear in your own book trailer.

This:

does not make me want to read this book, especially when she uses the phrase “self-savvy insights.”

I’m on my way to Denver for a freelance assignment that involves the Greeley Stampede. (“The World’s Largest 4th of July Rodeo & Western Celebration!”)

What to pack, what to pack…

Also: Things to do in Denver when you’re not stampeding? Or being stampeded? I’ve already been told—several times—about the Brown Palace. What else?

From Time/CNN:

In a week when oil prices shot to $143 a barrel, the mood at the World Petroleum Congress in Madrid is surprisingly somber. Perhaps the oil company CEOs and OPEC ministers, gathered for the biggest conference in the industry’s calendar, are feeling besieged by the relentless drumbeat of public outrage. Perhaps they have been worn down by their ongoing efforts to blame each other for spiraling prices. Or maybe they just think it in poor taste to gloat about their record profits.

While you think about that, have a look at this old (now dead) lady and her dog:

The story:

The late US real estate tycoon Leona Helmsley reportedly wanted her estimated $8bn fortune spent on dogs.

She left instructions that her estate go towards dog welfare, according to the New York Times, and animal welfare groups are elated.

The newspaper said that while her wishes were not part of her will courts do consider expressions of intent.

Mrs Helmsley, who died last August aged 87, was dubbed the “Queen of Mean” during a trial in 1989 for tax evasion.

Money is, of course, the substance of a wonderful article by Trisha Ready:

We have reached the end of what author Philip Cushman in a 1990 article in American Psychologist called the “post World War II empty self” era. Cushman writes about the change in America from the Victorian era of saving money and restricting impulses (sexual and otherwise) to the consumer self who is “soothed, organized, and made cohesive” by being filled up with food, objects, and celebrities. Cushman blames psychology and advertising as tools of the financial power structure that created the consumer self by preying on humans’ abiding feelings of insecurity and doubt. Credit made us more interesting and glamorous and more competitive with one another even if the things we purchased never did deliver the promised redemption of saving us from our limitations.

What’s fascinating about her article is it’s attempt to locate (or define) the new American thinking, feeling, and being—the American that is no longer saved from its limitations. An American with limits is something new (or renewed) in the world. This new thing might actually be the “flattening” effect of globalization. Not a flattening of access to new technologies and the competition of international companies and markets, but, instead, a flattening of citizenship. No citizenship in the near-future world will save an ordinary person from a life with limits.

Good news!

A federal judge in New York has ordered Google to turn over to Viacom a database linking users of YouTube, the Web’s largest video site by far, with every clip they have watched there.

The order raised concerns among users and privacy advocates that the online video viewing habits of tens of millions of people could be exposed.

…

For every video on YouTube, the judge required Google to turn over to Viacom the login name of every user who watched it, and the address of their computer, known as an I.P., or Internet protocol, address.

Don’t worry, though!

Google and Viacom said they had had discussions about ways to ensure the data is further protected to assure anonymity.

Whew! That was close.

I walked by Qube downtown the other day and thought, “How long can that place possibly stay open?” No one I know ever went there—its complicated quadripartite dishes (“Qube Sets,” truly?), generic urban-contemporary look, and early-on chef turnover gave it an unmistakable whiff of doom. All the windows showing the tumbleweeds blowing around and idle staff didn’t help.

Also recently shuttered: Market Street Grill in Ballard, Zagi’s Pizza also in Ballard, the Wellington in Columbia City, Mistral in Belltown (though the owner’s at work on a new place), Mixtura wherever it was on the Eastside.

The confoundingly named Vi Bacchus Sake Bar Etc. on Capitol Hill was recently listed for sale on Craigslist, and a listing for an unnamed Belltown sushi bar has been spotted, too.

More closures are inevitable—especially with the surplus of high-end places around—as the economy sags. It’d be cruel to speculate which restaurants will go first.

According to The Huffington Post, our stimulus checks are going toward porn.

I hope that not all of it is going to the porn industry. Surely some of those checks are going toward creative pursuits.

I just received the most awesomest press release ever:

(Branford, CT) The Woodland Park Zoological Gardens in Seattle is one of sixty to be honored as one of “America’s Best Zoos 2008” by The Intrepid Traveler, a travel publisher located in Branford, CT.

Of course, the press release doesn’t say what number the Woodland Park Zoo made on the list—maybe it’s un-numbered? As someone in the office helpfully pointed out: “That’s more than one zoo per state!” Some quick math confirms this observation, which means that we are not one of the ten states to experience the sheer giddiness of having two zoos worth mentioning on the 60-zoo-strong “America’s Best Zoos 2008” list.

But the press release worked, since I went to the Intrepid Traveler website and found a book that will definitely go on my 60-book-strong “America’s Best Book Titles 2008” list: Here Be Yaks.

They’ll be receiving a press release announcing their achievement in the next few days.

It looks like Metro fares are going up again.

With Metro Transit ridership and diesel fuel prices at record levels, King County Executive Ron Sims today announced he will preserve current service and continue delivering new service by proposing a 25-cent fare increase. Sims opted for the proposed increase rather than cut service to pay for fuel costs that have skyrocketed over 60 percent this year alone.

If approved by the county council, one-zone peak transit fares would increase 25 cents beginning Oct. 1 to $2 for adults from the current $1.75 fare. One zone non-peak would increase to $1.75 from the current $1.50. Senior fares will remain at 50 cents and youth fares will stay at 75 cents. Increases are also proposed for Access fares, vanpools and FlexPasses.

Sims said the proposal is intended to keep transit an affordable alternative for residents, and allow Metro to continue expanding service while paying record high fuel costs.

In addition to fare increases, Metro is proposing additional steps to offset rising fuel costs. It’s asking the King County Council to reconsider its prohibition of wrapped advertising on Metro buses and is taking steps to develop a fuel-hedging program aimed at reducing fuel price volatility.

I understand that Metro’s got to pay for rising fuel costs somehow, and of course I’d rather pay a quarter more than lose transit service in Seattle. But this is a systemic, long-term problem—one that’s not going to be solved by bringing back those godawful bus wraps (great idea—pay for bus service by making it even LESS pleasant to ride the bus), nor by raising fares a quarter here, a quarter there. Ultimately, Metro’s going to have to make some radical changes—ditching the diesel fleet, investing in new electric or hybrid buses, or getting rid of the insane 40/40/20 funding split (under which Seattle, which has the most transit riders, gets just 20 percent of new Metro funding, with the rest going to the suburbs) and reducing frequency on underutilized suburban routes. Raising fares repeatedly, as the county seems poised to do, takes its biggest toll on the working poor—the very group that’s most likely to depend on transit service.

Since June 1 we’ve had 1,118 posts on Slog. Of that number, 10 concerned pit bulls—or .89 percent. Please make a note of it, whiners.

Downtown’s French/Asian fusion lounge Qube is conducting its last day of business today.

Owners Fu-Shen Chang and Kerry Huang are sad to announce the closure of Qube. The last day of operation is today, July 3, 2008. Qube opened in December of 2006. “We’ve really enjoyed the challenge of having our own restaurant and seeing the pleasure people have had from tasting the seasonal menus,” says Fu-Shen. Qube brought something new to Seattle, a sophisticated, urban look and feel with matching modern food. Guests loved the Qube Sets and innovative a la carte plates. Qube was also known for its cocktails using infused alcohol, herbs and fruit. With the economic downturn, people have reduced their fine dining budget and Qube has felt the impact. Realtor Laura Miller, 206-726-3451, is handling the sale of the restaurant.

RIP, Qube, and condolences, lovers of French/Asian fusion cuisine.

…the Church of Satan feels the need to distance itself from you.

The criminal accusations upset leaders of the Church of Satan, founded in San Francisco in 1966. A church representative Wednesday distanced the group from the accused….

The details involve dog cages, handcuffs, alleged sexual assaults, and Democratic party officials in Durham County, North Carolina. It’s a good read.

The city repeatedly argued two points during last month’s Sonics trial that were completely upended by yesterday’s settlement.

1. They argued that it’s impossible to place a monetary value on the Sonics. This supported their stance that the judge should issue a specific performance ruling—meaning the Sonics had to play, not pay. By accepting the settlement, the city actually did put a monetary value on them—$45 million.

2. They argued—in response to the claim by lawyers for Sonics owner Clay Bennett that keeping a “lame duck team” in Seattle for two years would actually crumple local morale and simply lead to more financial losses for the city—that two years was a long time (look at the Boston Celtics—who were terrible just last year and won the NBA championship this year)! they argued in court—and would provide a window for the city (with the willing local ownership group in place) to come up with a new solution, probably the KeyArena solution that the NBA had already signed off on.

Asked about this second point yesterday, the mayor’s office told me: “Bennett was never going to sell.”

So, what was the point of the trial? (I’ve put in a records request to find out how much the city spent arguing all this stuff it apparently didn’t believe.)

The only reason you make a deal that contradicts the central arguments you made in court is when the other side has the upper hand. The only time the other side has the upper hand is if the judge agrees with them.

As for the convoluted $30 million incentive that I scratched my head over after yesterday’s press conference, it goes like this:

If the legislature doesn’t approve a funding plan, the city doesn’t get the $30 million.

The point of the funding plan is to lure a team to Seattle.

If the city lures a team to Seattle, the city don’t get the $30 million.

I’m still scratching my head. Isn’t this just a screwball way of saying: “No funding plan, no team”…. which is exactly what the city told the legislature last year?

P.s. I saw a movie last night, and as fate would have it, I got mixed up about where it was showing. It was playing on Capitol Hill, but I thought it was playing at Seattle Center. So, the Gods of Mixed Up Movies conveniently sent me biking through desolate Seattle Center and right by KeyArena, with that red key glowing in the gloaming and nobody around, just a few hours after the city’s sad announcement.

P.P.S. I’ll be on KUOW at 1pm talking about the Sonics settlement.

After the Earth came into being, it rained for thousands of years…

…But that only gave the Earth half of its water. The rest came from space. Comets brought water to the Earth. It was a series of life-blows. That which we now fear, a deep impact, is also that which made living (fearing) beings possible.